Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.

10.  Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9.  Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8.  After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7.  Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6.  Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5.  Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4.  Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3.  Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2.  As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1.  Three words: eat the check.

Thin People Don't

By Barbara Florio Graham

From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on.  I even follow their suggestions.  But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again.  Now, at last, I've found The Answer.  After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently.  The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

Sorry for eating the peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.  It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.  "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied.  "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Food fight in a store

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store.  After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other.  Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor.  As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

You should learn to be more polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.  As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

An error publishing an article

From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms.  They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild.  Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

Constantly complaining about the temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.  First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.  So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile.  "We don't even have an air conditione

Ice cream flavor galore

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach.  He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

Are caterpillars good to eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior?  Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

You can now eat your own plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.

Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.

Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.

Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery.  The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

The family of tomatoes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.  The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Purchasing mailing lists

With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible.  In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization.  Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.

Did you hear about the blond?

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an MD--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Wise cooking advice

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Food quotes and quips

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts .  .  .

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead."  -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."  --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them."  -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."  -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."  -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."  -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."  -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick."  -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."  -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get."  -- Robert Orben

The bachelor's diet

Bachelor's Diet

MONDAY:

BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday?  Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents.  Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:

BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

WEDNESDAY:

BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

THURSDAY:

BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY:

BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.  Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food.  It tastes better and it's better for you.

LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus.  Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY:

BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

LUNCH - Ditto

DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.  Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts.  Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY:

BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

LUNCH - Eat Lunch?  Waste a good buzz?  Dont eat Lunch.

DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room

Placing your order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted.  "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

You should learn to be more polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.  As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

Slot machine winner

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.  After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.  She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient.  "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road.  She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?"  she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"